Pizza Hut: May I take your order?
Me: Can you make a large pizza vegetarian?
Pizza Hut: Yes, but don’t ever call me vegetarian again.
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If you never milked a dead horse or got stoned from a turnip you don’t know how to mix metaphors. You buttered your bread, now lie in it.
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
My coworker was talking to me and I couldn’t hear her and without realizing it I started to take my mask off to hear her better. To.hear.her.better.
I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Who needs fireworks when I have aluminum foil and a microwave?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
Back in the day, we didn’t have google just a drunk uncle.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I like listening to Phil Collins in the shower. He gets creeped out when he sees me, though.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Them: You’re a dumpster fire.
Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?
HER: I’m pansexual.
ME: Oh, cool.
*quietly nudges a cabinet door shut with my foot, hiding my pots and pans*
If you ring my doorbell I’ll look through the camera, if you don’t have a pizza or donut box I’m not opening the door.
the biggest problem we’d face in a zombie apocalypse wouldn’t be the people hiding zombie bites, it would be the people who informed their employer they’d been bitten and got told “we still need you to come in and work your shift until you turn”
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
Before you bludgeon to death that drifter who broke into your apartment and passed out on your futon, ask yourself: when did I buy a futon?
I’m aging like a fine banana
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
The circus serves as a great analogy for marriage. You’re either walking the tightrope or holding a chair because you told her to calm down.
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.