Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
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Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
I “accidentally” washed my cellphone once, and my wife has never let me do laundry again…. Yeah Accident
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
*talking to a baby*
Me: Can you say ‘dog’
Baby: *patronizingly* Can you say ‘Worcestershire’
[First day as a beaver]
Me: Dam.
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
I cower in the darkness surrounded by demons that relentlessly tempt me… I submit to the temptation.
4: mom? are you hiding in the pantry eating cookies again?
*works from home*
*files claim for hostile work environment*
Taught my dog to shake hands and he just brokered a suspicious deal with our local union rep.
a murder of crows, a pride of lions, a virgin of gamers
~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
you have three unread messages
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
HER: [whispering seductively] tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: [also whispering] owning a home
Cop: “Any idea why I pulled you over?”
Me: “you’ve got a fat guy fetish?”
Cop: …
Sir. Your burrito is $5.97. With guacamole, your total comes to $386,932.32
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
I can cook up any meal but I can’t peel boiled eggs without them looking like a toddler took bites out of them.