My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
You Might Also Like
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
Little did she know she had fallen into my trap when I pissed her off so much that she threw her Snickers bar at me.
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
in addition to “block” and “report” there should be a button that tells the user’s mom what they’ve been posting
Me: *buying leggings* I need these for my marathon!
Cashier: Wow really? That’s awesome!
Me: Yeah it’s 9 seasons long and 201 episodes in total
*walks into Forever 21*
*gets pulled aside*
Umm, we don’t really mean FOREVER.
If I could just figure out how to decorate piles of laundry, my house would look AMAZING during Christmas.
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Netflix is asking every five minutes if we’re still watching and I think it must be suffering from separation anxiety now that people are going outside again.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Mathematically there’s a very small percentage of the cat that is claws although she so often makes it seem otherwise.
Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
I rode in the back seat with my baby until she was big enough for a front-facing seat because she cried not being able to see me.
It made it hard to drive but the peace and quiet were worth it.
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
People who say the Napster guy invented music piracy forget the time I stole my sister’s Violent Femmes CD when I was 13.
I shouted at my kid so he told me I wasn’t his best friend anymore and, honestly, I was gobsmacked I had even been in the running.
Thought I saw a brownie walk by but it was just my dog. Other than that, diet is going well.
“Do you ever get the feeling you’re being watched?”
[from the bushes]
“No”
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
me, to shovel salesman: [at a shovel store] how’s this do with like dirt & stuff?
shovel salesman: i’m not gonna bullshit you it’s pretty good
Me, being boiled into a soup: This is nice.
i am disgusted by the physical act of handshaking. it is morally unacceptable that u cant just extend your arm and fist the wind