“Despite my best efforts, my hot air balloon just isn’t going to fly.”
“Dude, that’s a bike with a blanket on it.”
“My best efforts.”
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Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.
BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
me: “why was she called the little mermaid, she was 5ft7?”
therapist: “i meant anything bothering you about your marriage keith”
Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
*chasing after the person that just robbed my house*
TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SO I KNOW YOU GOT BACK SAFELY
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
[being 40]
fitness device: you had a great 8 hrs of sleep and reduced your sleep debt! good job
me: aw great thanks but i feel kind of –
FD: your body is only 38% recovered today
me: wtf
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
Telling jokes on Twitter makes you a Comedian… The same way skinny jeans make you skinny…