Of all the dinosaurs at yoga class, T-Rex was the worst at downward-facing dog.
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Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
it’s giving duvet, it’s quiltcore, if the vibe was sleepy time she’s serving honk shoooo honk shoooo
If you can reach enlightenment, can you also reach endarkenment?
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
hate sitting down at my favorite diner and having the waitress i’ve known for 15 years come to pour me coffee but i notice that her usually steady hand is shaking, tipping me off to a hostage situation that i will be forced to resolve with a combination of guile and violence
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
DATE TIP: Hold doors. Pull the chair out for your date. Burp your date. Change your date oh god you are on a date with a baby ok stay cool
Me: I’ll remember this verification code and don’t need to write it down.
Me two seconds later: Oh no!
Turns out indoor stone throwing is a mistake no matter what your house is made of.
me: oh, I have a great ide…
wife: no
For job interviews, your best bet is to dress as a pizza delivery person, march in and say “Who ordered DILIGENCE and ATTENTION TO DETAIL!?”
People always ask why I’m wearing a sombrero in my high school graduation pictures. Clearly, because it was my señor year.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
It just occurred to me that you could substitute Miranda rights for wedding vows. Verbatim
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
“dom or sub?”
subway but dominos isn’t bad on occasion
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
“Welcome to daycare. Here’s your eye infection.”
You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.