Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
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her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
*checks the hip hop section*
Nope. No one named Velocirapper yet.
pro: having a lovely time visiting canada
con: nobody would believe me if i got a boyfriend here
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Anyone who thinks sorry is the hardest word to say has clearly never tried speaking Welsh.
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
this may be difficult to process but the real reason nana had plastic on her furniture was because she was a mob assassin
They should hire this cat for L’Oréal Commercial.
me: officer there’s a suspicious looking van parked outside
cop: does it look shady?
me: yeah it’s actually a pretty good parking spot
[interview]
“So, what do you enjoy doing when you’re not working?”
“I enjoy going for walks, watching films and cooking”
“And your pet hates?”
“Going for walks, trips to the vets and shitting outside when it’s raining”
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
“But I can’t conquer China, it’s way too big…”
Now Genghis, what do I always say?
*Sighs*
“I’m Genghis Khan, not Genghis Khan’t”
Congratulations on angrily speeding past me to get to the red light first. You’re special.
I’ve done 10 sit-ups today, I can’t take much more of this ab use.
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
[White Castle]
YOU (a slob): 6 hamburgers, please.
ME (a health nut): 5 hamburgers, please.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
I’ll bet Timmy would never have fallen down that well if his parents would’ve coughed up the money for a HUMAN instead of a dog babysitter.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I had a bowl of Cap’n Crunch cereal for the first time in a long time last weekend. The roof of my mouth should be healed in a few days.
This is painfully accurate 😅