In case you’re wondering it takes a 6 year old approximately 20 min to pick out a bunch of bananas at the supermarket
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If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Apple CEO announces he’s gay. Samsung CEO announces he’s more gay and water resistant.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Of course the Midwest takes sports very seriously, what else are we going to obsess over…corn?
Girlfriend just called me by my full given name.This is gonna end poorly.
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
Hey, guy playing video games and ignoring your hot girlfriend…Are you gonna eat that?
I like to put my passengers as ease by pointing out where all the airbags are. Ending the safety message with “Just in case I crash again”
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
When finishing a job interview, make sure you are a memorable candidate by shaking their hand firmly and using your grasp to pull them in tightly for an optimal tango position
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
my daughter told me she has a crush on a guy who plays a drug dealer on a show and i’m like oh you get that from me.
[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!