I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
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Someone asked how I was doing, so I said, “well l, let’s just say I’m not built Ford Tough” bc I’m not able to say I’m not doing well out loud. In retrospect I think the cashier really just wanted a “good & you” response but instead we bathed in the awkwardness that is my brain.
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
Flex on your toddler when they piss you off by asking them what sound a giraffe makes
“It’s been months since I got laid.”
– Baby chickens
Sheriff *standing over another exsanguinated body* Got anything?
FBI Profiler: The unsub is a male, 600-900 years old; is originally from Europe; shuns religious idols; is sensitive to light and has a taste for human blood.
Dracula *listening*: Holy sheet, dees guy ees good.
me adding lol on a serious message
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: would you like your receipt?
ME: no thank you i don’t want any proof that i’ve eaten here
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
My friend told me her kids don’t get dessert every night which really confused me. Like, what does she use to bribe them to eat their dinner?!
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
If u ever think ur stupid just know that one time a guy asked me what my “attachment style” was and I didn’t know what that meant so I said “PDF if it’s over email I hate when people send it as a word doc”
BREAKING NEWS:
Sting has been kidnapped.The Police have no lead.
Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
me: if you love something, set it free
wife: [stopping me from releasing our baby into the wild] don’t
judge: how do you plead
me: no further questions your honor