Personal trainer: How’s your diet been going?
Me: Absolutely amazing
Personal trainer: May I ask what you’ve been eating?
Me: You may not
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
You see a rat stealing pizza, I see a rat providing for his four turtle children
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
Don’t name your car. It’s not a boat. Don’t name your boat either.
ME: [rubbing stomach after a big meal]
WAITER: please stop touching me
Cop *knocking on door* open up it’s the police!
Me: it’s ok, I haven’t done any crimes
Cop: The fashion police
Me *kicking my crocs off* shit
me before getting into birding: OMG SHUT UP BIRDS IT’S 5AM
me now: OMG SHUT UP CAROLINA WRENS, INDIGO BUNTINGS, AND TUFTED TITMICE IT’S 5AM
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Any woman with three or more exes in her city could have told Obama how to avoid Putin in Normandy.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
me, age 7: I want to be an adult so I can eat as many pickles as I want
me, age 30, eating pickles: haha hell yeah
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
People who like to ask, “What do you like to do for fun?” are the reason I carry an air horn in my purse.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
I’ll never forget the day we met. That’s the great thing about police records