I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
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So many pants.
So little yoga.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
I don’t mean to brag, but I do all my own auto repairs.
*turns up volume*
SEE! THE RATTLING SOUND IS COMPLETELY GONE!
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
My parallel parking skills are unparalleled.
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Stop everything. Everybody shut up
There’s a spider on my ceiling. His name is Alec and where does he think he’s going oh no
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Alexa, how much peanut butter can kill a man?
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.
All is fair in drunk and war.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
There is no “we” in chocolate.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[Travels back in time]
Me: Abe, what do you think America looks like in the future?
Lincoln: United as one nation…
Me: Wrong! FATTER.
Judge: Have you any words before I pronounce sentence?
Me: Yes. Could you also pronounce Worcestershire?
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy…so I came back drunk.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
Me to husband: I’m about to cook, but first, can you do that thing I like?
Him: *disables smoke alarm*
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Me: Doctor, I’d like to close my own wound.
Dr: Suture self
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
-Waiter please, I’ll have a Sprite, thank you.
-Sorry we only have Coke.
-OK an eightball then.