My plan for quarantine: only let one child in the house at a time.
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To the person who wrote ‘Most likely to be attacked by a seagull’ in my high school yearbook…well played Sir, your prophecy was fulfilled today.
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
My wife has been smelling gas at our fireplace insert for 25 years, and it’s electric.
Me: so every time I work out I reward myself with a cookie
Them: isn’t that kind of defeating the…
Me: NOBODY ASKED YOU BRENDA!
I wanted to go out tonight, but the avocado I bought last week will finally be ripe enough to eat between 9pm – 9.15pm so I can’t.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
my lower back watching me try to live my life
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
my ex was like “i know a spot” then took me to the lowest point in my life
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
I liked the movie Taken better the first time I saw it when it was called Finding Nemo.
I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
Thanks Facebook for letting me know Bobby from kindergarten and Bobby’s two hacked accounts all have birthdays today
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
The Mrs recognizes my “tell” when I’ve seen an attractive woman: my eyes pop 4 inches out of their sockets and I make a loud “A-OOGA” noise.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
The real slim shady: [sitting in a bean bag] oh no
HORROR STORY- U are the only one alive in a post apocalyptic world. U tweet and it gets retweeted!