“looks like a burrito fell out his pocket, hes crawling up to get it and crying. thats gonna cost points” – commentators on my snowboard run
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Ok guys, very important meeting at the Waldorf Astoria Shovel Palace. Bring your own shovel!
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you鈥檙e mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
My bank, who passed all 14 interest rate rises onto my home loan account, but only half of them onto my savings account, just sent me some tips on how to identify financial scammers
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
Me: *plays imaginary playground game with my boys where we鈥檙e a crew flying through deep space on the hunt for storm troopers, armed only with our wits and pretend lightsabers on a fantastical, mysterious journey aboard our supersonic spaceship*
6yo: Are we there yet?
I wish I could literally LMAO..That sounds like a lot more fun than 90 minutes at the gym.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
ME: I can understand why, it’s so silky and luxurious.
THEM: Huh? I said I worship Satan.
ME: Oh. I thought you said “satin.”
Yet another day I failed to wake up as a giant cockroach
Number one rule as a snake charmer, never fall in love.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Me: 4, watch this! *eats hard boiled egg in one bite*
4, unamused: Now do it with the shell on.
sandra bullock is a menace oh my god 馃槶
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Me: I鈥檓 not watching that movie. It got 3 stars.
Also me: *watches the roomba chase down a dorito for 45 minutes*
customer: can I return this bird food?
me: we don’t take returns
customer: can I give some feedback?
me: what did I just say
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
Shrek + Akira = Shakira???
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I鈥檒l never forget when I posted about graduating medical school and becoming a doctor, and this girl from my hometown just absolutely publicly humbled me.