5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
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Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
I need to be drunk looking in the passport picture because I’ll certainly be drunk when I’m traveling.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
I live by 2 simple rules:
1. Don’t treat people like shit.
2. If any melted cheese gets on your paper plate, you must also eat the plate.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
Everyone wants to know WHO’S the killer but no one wants to know HOW’S the killer
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Got my first dose of the vaccine and, so far, the only side affect I’ve noticed is something I haven’t seen reported (and it may just be my imagination), but I think the vaccine has made me better-looking.
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
Our new puppy has peed on the floor four times in two hours, beating my previous record by 30 minutes.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
Just because your kid says, “You’re my hero” does not mean you can pick them up at school wearing a cape, apparently