Pro tip: being patient will get you out of raking leaves. One of these days will be windy and they will blow into your neighbors yard.
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The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
Fred: Take his mask off, let’s see who he really is.
Velma: No Fred, we are in the middle of a pandemic.
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
[street]
ME: “What if I park here?”
PARKING OFFICER: *writing a ticket* “Fine by me”
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
Husband: You cut your hair!
Me: …
H: It looks good! I like it!
…
Me: I cut my hair 3 weeks ago.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Aragorn: You have my sword.
Legolas: And you have my bow.
Gimli: And my axe.
Airport Security: Again, gentlemen, those items are not allowed on the plane.
Aragorn: But we’re heading to –
Airport Security: Mordor, I know. Look, you’re this close to getting on the no fly list.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I hope my husband never gets Alzheimer’s but if he does, I imagine my favorite part will be saying “I gave you one yesterday.”
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
“When does he start playing the mandolin?”
– me, watching The Mandalorian
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
A Spanish bodybuilder told me he’s run out of protein powder.
I thought: “No whey, Jose.”
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Instead of sending a letter in a bottle, go one step further. Bottle up all your feelings, then throw yourself out into the ocean.
Don’t know why other people struggle to break addictions. I quit eating doughnuts 8 times last year
I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
doctor: drugs have destroyed your body
me: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
me: only i can see him
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles