ME: What’s your secret? You’ve barely aged a day in years.
MUSEUM EMPLOYEE: *into walkie-talkie* That guy who keeps talking to the statues is back.
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Maybe newborn babies cry because reincarnation is real and they’re like “not this shit again”
disney: we want a nice elegant design that just says ‘Walt Disney’
graphic designer: Walt Gisney
disney: looks great
ME: Hi, come get me. This house is weird and someone is snoring.
MOM: Honey, for the last time you’re not at a sleepover. You’re married.
Today i learned that Capybaras are chill with everyone. Here they are getting along with the entire animal kingdom. Real life Disney princesses.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
14 y.o.: OMG MOM!!!! Are you okay?!?! Do you need some water? Are you having a heart attack? Why does your face look like that?
⠀
Me: I’m not having a heart attack, I just ran for five minutes.
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
Don’t forget to get your Valentine’s Day shopping done before Pete Davidson buys everything up.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
[Interrogation room after a massive Swiss cheese theft]
Detective: I gotta tell ya, your story sure has a lot of….inconsistencies in it.
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
I’m sorry you’re just not NASA material
“Why?”
Well, you wrote ‘red’ then crossed it out & put ‘human’ under blood type on your application.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
What about second breakfast?
Hot singles in your area!
They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
My husband told me I cheated on him in his dream.
The best response was not “Was he hot?”
I know this now.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Plant care tips
lawyer: “my client claims the altercation began because – and i quote – “he came at me sideways”
crab: “in my defence..”
This trial is so absurd 😭
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
A remake of The Notebook called The iPad
Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons