The early bird catches the worm. And the late bird catches one of the other trillion worms left. What’s your point?
You Might Also Like
Laughing at your mistakes could lengthen your life. Laughing at your spouse’s mistakes WILL shorten it…
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Them: Oh, you only need a few pounds of tannerite 👌🏼
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
Me: I’d like the chocolate soufflé
Waiter: It takes 45 minutes to prepare
M (right in her face): Then why are you still talking to me?
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
In the 1970s it was almost impossible to insult someone electronically. Thank god that nightmare is over.
[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
I love it when companies with names like “Grandmas cookies” have ingredients like Thiamin mononitrate.
I remember waiting for the cookies to cool and licking the bromine off of the spoon. Good times.
I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.
Wife: I love that we finish each other’s-
Me: Drinks?
W: What? No. I was gonna say sentences HEY WHERE’S MY
Me: Margarita?
That moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, hit a lamp, and kill your dog.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
#SuperBowl
While America is suffering administrative paralysis, we should sneak in and change their spellings to the English ones, and replace the missing ‘u’ in their words.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
thanksgiving in nutshell
If you get caught about to eat food off the floor, just pretend you lost your contact.
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.