I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
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Always let those you hate have the lion’s share.
Then tell the lion.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
How to be a politician 101:
Answer all yes/no questions with the words “Well, look” and then answer a completely different question.
saving face 👀
Found an m&m on the floor. It’s been there all night, but I figure that’s well past the statute of limitations on the 5 second rule.
Anyway, once I brushed off the cat hair it tasted fine.
Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.
Men’s underwear watching them buy more t shirts
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
Catering service
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
meow
Before you judge a woman, walk a mile in her shoes. After that who cares? She’s a mile away and you’ve got her shoes.
Me: I’m just saying it’s nice that you feed all these stray cats
Cat Lady: Once again, I’m not going to bring you french fries
Me: Even if I-
Her: The costume doesn’t make you a cat
Me: *purrs*
Her: Still no
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
Me: I’m terrified of heterosexuals
Therapist: Wait, let me get this straight –
Me: *explodes into a pile of glitter*
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
thank god
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
If one more person stands up and talks about their alcoholism I’m quitting this book club.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
Found the job I’m suited for
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok