Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
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I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
“I DON’T WEAR PANTS ON THE WEEKEND!” – I shout out to everyone at the grocery store as the officer bundles me into the back of the police car.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
HELP 😭
[first date]
ME: Wanna get out of here and *looks around nervously* go to separate places separately?
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the
courage to change the things I can,
and a really big sandwich. Big ol’ sandwich
work smarter, not harder
“What do you like to do in your free time?”
Golf.
“Oh that’s cool. When’s the last time you played?”
8 years ago.
Knuckle Tattoo Idea:
* L I V I N G T O O C L O S E T O N U C L E A R W A S T E H A S D I S F I G U R E D M Y B O D Y K I L L M E *
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Darth Vader: “Listen Luke, this is a new arrangement for both of us. Let’s not force things. Just let me know if you need a hand.”
[last supper]
judas: this could’ve been an email
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
cop: listen pal, we can do this the easy way or we can do this the hard way
me: which would you prefer
cop: you know what, nobody ever asks that. thank you
I’m already getting into the Thanksgiving spirit, I’ve given the bird to lots of people today.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
This can never not be funny 😭😭
Today in my local Canadian newspaper there was a strongly worded editorial about littering.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Keanu Reeves stuck motionless on a horse forever because every time it starts to move he goes “whoa”.
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?