i’d like to drink my problems away but my kids don’t fit in the shot glass
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Give me your crispy noodles and no one gets hurt.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: would you like me to throw that away for you?
RACCOON: *clutching banana peel* this is my carry on thank you very much
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
“I really like Eminem.”
” I prefer smarties.”
“No, the rapper.”
“Why would you eat the wrapper?”
#FridayVibes #RubbishJokes
Hey Fun Fact:
Remember that “You Wouldn’t Steal A Car” anti-piracy ad? The guy who wrote the music for that ad was never paid for their work
This Fun Fact™ brought to you by:
Stealing — It’s Okay If You’re A Corporation!
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
My bra is off, my pajamas are on, my hair is up. I’m not sure if I’m going to bed, or to Walmart.
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
due to personal reasons i have decided to make even less sense to people who will never get me
i actually want my products tested on animals, if a bear doesn’t like the ps5 i know i won’t either
I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
I just want to learn enough sign language to convince a hair stylist to cut my hair in silence
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
Barbie gone wild
Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
If the whole world smoked a joint at the same time, There would be world peace for at least two hours. Followed by a global food shortage..
Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
He obviously thinks I’m some kind of maritime explorer, like calm down Magellan
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
I wanna get a job at a grocery store & whisper, “Don’t fuckin touch that. You fuckin put that back, ” to every customer who grabs something.
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.