Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
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Quick reminder that the Twilight saga is about the classic teen angst of choosing between bestiality and necrophilia
WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
Learn from your mistakes. Make better & better mistakes until you’re making the best mistakes possible.
I want to die from natural causes like being murdered by a sunset.
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
me: I wish for infinite wishes!
genie: ok
me: wait are you serious
genie: [exhaling cigarette] yeah I don’t give a shit
Dance like you’re not the father
Angel: They’re gonna shave you & make stuff outta your hair
Sheep: OK
Angel: They’re gonna ride on your back & use you to pull things
Horse: Got it
Angel: And you–
Cow: You got anything a little kinky?
Angel: Oh we got you covered
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
Anyone else walk around the house yelling random things so you get weird ads on social media?
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
I miss trying to seem sober to a bartender and just way overdoing it like “Excuse me good sire, may I please inquire as to the whereabouts of your bathing rooms?”
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Me:[holding toy] And WHY don’t we make them fight??
Kid:[sighing] Because the last stegosaurus died 83 million years before T-Rex evolved
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Stop telling me to drink water. I’m a full grown dehydrated adult.
HER: i could really use a shoulder to cry on right now
ME [a mortician]: *looks at clipboard* ok what type are you looking for?
My son’s field trip consent form lists walkmans & radios under ‘Optional items.’ Where the hell are they going, 1989??
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
If I had to choose one word that encapsulates me, I’d say skin.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Be kind or be quiet. As the old saying goes, “If you can’t say anything nice, then you get the duct tape.”
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.