I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
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God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Please don’t ask me what I’m doing this weekend without first making it clear whether or not you’re going to invite me to something that I’m going to have to make up a lie to get out of
KID: I’m starting to feel like I’ll never find a Coke with my name on it
MOM: Just keep looking, Dangquestrious
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
I think global warming is real because you hardly see The Penguin on episodes of Batman anymore
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Betrayal only comes from someone we’re close to. Just like herpes.
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
If we were in a fight, I’d mop the floor with you…
Except I don’t do housework.
Him: do you believe in miracles?
Her: well you’re here, aren’t you?
Him: *tearing up* oh honey, that’s—
Her: *under breath* and I’ve been adding arsenic to your food for weeks, so
4yo: Mommy? Mommy? Mommy? MOMMY? MOMMY? MOMMY?
Me, a Dad: Yeah???
4: …
4: MOMMY!!!
[thanksgiving dinner]
Me: *to my racist uncle* hahah now who’s being too sensitive
My aunt: *scrambling for an epipen* did you give him shrimp?!
Taught a man how to BUY fish. So much easier.
[me as a ninja]
[a smoke ball is thrown in a park]
[when the smoke clears, all of the dogs in the park have stealthily been petted]
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
the movie? well… her name is Bella, she’s torn between a hawt werewolf and some kinda disco ball vampire
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
I refuse to order in Starbucks lingo. I just order small or medium, and watch everyone hyperventilate.
people really have no faith in me – i told my co-worker, “i had to have coke this morning for a little pick me up” … another co-worker heard me and was like, “what? you did a line before school?”
*in case you all don’t have the faith either – it was a can of coca cola
According to my wife’s new feng shui consultant, I need to move out.
Me, knowing girls dig bad boys: sorry I didn’t text u back babe I was grounded.