Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
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Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
I started an argument in a Yahoo! chat room back in 1999 that is still going on.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
dating me is like dating a golden retriever cuz u will be picking blonde hair off u all day and i get way too excited about everything
God inventing dogs like “what if your best friend sometimes pooped in your living room and ate your shoes?”
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
Boss: What’s your five-year goal?
Me: Paid administrative leave.
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
[presenting my dissertation] Tom has been chasing Jerry for years, but all he gets if he catches him is a light snack. The time investment isn’t worth the reward. Tom is therefore a victim of the sunk cost fallacy. Next slide please,
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Why in the hell would I clean my bathtub? I put soap and water in there every day…
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I’m on hold. My call is important to them.
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
Do you know how fast you were going sir?
“15,000mph?”
Wha? No,like 65?
“Seems pretty slow wouldn’t you say?”
I guess so.
“Ok bye”
bye?
*acts sassy*
*flips hair*
*walks into a wall*
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
[showing date a picture] that’s me and my brother at summer camp [showing a pic of me holding a big fish] and that’s us after his accident
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
[friend’s house]
ME: [trying to sound cool] Ooh! Is that EDM we’re listening to?
FRIEND: No, I’ve got gym shoes in the dryer, my wife is vacuuming, and the smoke alarm is going off.
i will avenge u mr van gogh
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me