me: “my wife is having a baby”
colleague: “omg, do you know what it is?”
me: “it’s a person but smaller”
You Might Also Like
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
You hate me: I’m the person that gets stuck in the slide at a water park. Everyone smashes into the back of me and we ooze down the slide in a sad people pile. I’m so sorry.
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I played Dodgeball…
I got Bullied….
I ate Gluten…
I didn’t get Participation Trophies…
I turned out fine…
So will your kid…
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
I support Greenpeace because I care about environmental activism, just not enough to do any of the real work myself.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
(At a funeral)
Im so sorry for your loss. I know how it feels to lose something you love. Last year Taylor Swift took her music off Spotify.
lol
[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
Dr: how’s your diet?
Me: I’ve been eating a lot of good fats like you said
Dr: ice cream isn’t good fats
Me: are you kidding me ice cream is amazing
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
My boyfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo so I had to put my foot down
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
So the fight looks like it’s not going to happen and now I’m stuck with 15 boxes of ‘Zuck Around And Find Out’ t-shirts in my garage ffs.
of course i’m gonna put all my eggs in one basket??? what’s the alternative, carrying like 12 different baskets for each egg? that’s impractical, i would look like a fool
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
Card reader: this is not looking good
Me: mf’er, reshuffle it
{Me to my dogs}
No more table scraps.
(5 seconds later)
Here you go.
[sees kid crying in grocery store]
hey little guy
[kneels down to his level]
Can you please move you’re blocking the Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
#Caturday
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”