Babe, calm down. I don’t think you heard me. They’re MAGIC beans.
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Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.
Nana: I found you on twitter
Me: …
N: so you like the butt stuff
Me:…
N: me too
Me:…
they’re trying to stop me from entering the movie theater with my spoon and a half a watermelon.
Breaking: CNN confirms planes need fuel to fly. In other news, scientist confirm brains are not needed to work at CNN.
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
if you’re in first class on a flight sometimes they upgrade you to captain
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
20’s me: heartburn, I don’t believe it exists
30’s: ope, I think that might have been heartburn
40’s: orange juice is a drink for young people
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
Me: Why do you love me?
Wife: *shrugs*
Me: Why do you find me annoying?
Wife: *reveals six spreadsheets and a pie chart*
[at KFC]
“One bargain bucket please”
“ok sir, and would you like any sides?”
“Yes please, otherwise the chicken will fall out”
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
I’ve never felt more understood than when my 7yo climbed into my bed, heard his dad snoring like a chainsaw and went right back to his own room.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally these things don’t bother me but it was in my Big Mac.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
@Shot_Of_Cabo @funTweeters That is how my father ended up being the only one cleaning the house. My mother hasn’t cleaned a thing in 40 years.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.