*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
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Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: So I don’t get to pet animals until my sadness is cured?
Nail Technician: No ma’am. A “pedicure” is a treatment for your toenails and feet.
M:
NT:
M:
NT: Please don’t cry.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
The list of things that give me heartburn is trending towards everything.
[I show my phone to the taxidermied raccoon sitting on my apothecary shelf]
Can you believe this shit
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
Me: Now remember, just let me do all the talking.
Wife:
Marriage counselor:
Me: I think we’ve made a lot of progress here today.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I am not a tomboy. I am 32yrs old. I am a full grown thomasman.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
me: i’m not afraid of death
[2 mins later : stubs toe]
also me: OMG I’M DYING
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*brings pen to sword fight*
Me: ‘This ending kinda writes itself.’
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
superman landing like a plane on his belly
Did I do this right
[slams a leaf blower down on the counter at Home Depot] this hairdryer is too dangerous
Lady and the Tramp spaghetti scene except it’s me throat punching you for trying to eat my food.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.