[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
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COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
A horror movie, but it’s just me: struggling into my shape wear and then remembering I should’ve peed first.
Me: *pssst* tell the girl wearing the white dress I think she’s hot
Priest: absolutely not
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
my roommate’s been really excited about how well one of her plants has been doing and idk how to tell her it’s a fake plant
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Circling toys in the Christmas catalog as a kid for your parents is the same as sending links to your spouse as an adult.
[Thanksgiving at the In-laws]
Me (patting wife’s belly): “Remember you’re eating for two now”
Mother-in-law (smiling): “You mean…”
Me: “That’s right. She’s got a tapeworm”
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Having another child is like finally learning how to juggle hacky sacks and someone throws in a bowling ball.
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
I remember when you could order a sandwich without having to identify all the traffic lights first
*puts nose where it doesn’t belong
*is caught with hand in cookie jar
*loses head
*makes elbow macaroni
*gets fired by funeral home
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
A young guy at work asked me if I’m ready for Christmas.
I’m 52 yrs old Connor. I just turned down my radio so I can see better. I’m not even ready for today.
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
FRIEND: Can I ask for a favor?
ME: *yelling over my shoulder as I bolt away* YOU CAN ALWAYS TRY.
You’ve been kidnapped. Your kidnappers allow you to keep tweeting to pretend everything is alright. What would you tweet that would alarm your followers without the kidnappers knowing you’re asking for help?
“And then I put in the exact amount of garlic the recipe called for.”
Help Wanted
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…