Me: I don’t run away from fear, I face it.
Flying cockroach: hahahahaha
You Might Also Like
I got an online ancestry test done, then fourteen of my relatives were arrested.
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
Herbal tea…for when you want to drink some scented hot water.
I’m going to say sky diving is probably not for me since I just screamed when the toilet seat shifted.
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
I got scolded by the gyno for not being able to leave a pee sample, but if I’ve learned anything as a mom it’s to always use the bathroom before I leave home
Omg, autocorrect! For the millionth time, I don’t hate all those birches…
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I’m two weeks older than my boyfriend so my favorite thing to do is say “when I was your age…” and then just describe whatever I was doing two weeks ago
Yes, my teeth are dazzling, but, please, treat me no differently than you would the next demigod.
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Absence does not make the heart grow fonder.
Unless you’re talking about Oreos.
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
My security system is just a bunch of my unpaid bills taped to my front door
every single time
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
30% of the world’s coal production is used by Santa to insult our shittiest children
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
I gave her the red cup
Instead of the green
She threw her hands up
Proceeded to scream
I countered with reason
“I’ll fix this for you
Don’t start at a ten
When it’s barely a two”
She narrowed her eyes
Considered me swiftly
Ignored all my reason
And took it to fifty
Pedestrians cross the street like it’s on their bucket list to get hit
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace