ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
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Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
me (stepping out of time machine): I come from the future!
soldier: oh, great! we could use your help. thousands of us have died in this war for a treasure called “salt”
me: what, like table salt?
soldier: ? why do you call it that
me:
soldier: Why do you call it that.
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
me: dinosaurs can’t jump
her: how do u know
me: they’re dead Linda
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
They: ‘ Where are you from?’
Me: ‘I’m from 80s.’
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
I don’t have a favorite vampire. If you ask me, they all suck.
LEAD ARCHAEOLOGIST: Okay, the bones are fragile, so we want to brush very gently and remember not to, say, put them in our mouths or anything.
DOG ARCHAEOLOGIST: I can tell you’re talking about me and that’s offensive.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
horse: hey, steve. how’s it going?
deer: hi, deborah. same crap, different day
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.