GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
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When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
what if i pushed you against the wall and told you 15 minutes could save you 15 percent or more with Geico.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
“Who took my good screwdriver?”
-Every dad ever
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
Surfing is a good choice for people who like skateboarding but wish it had more sharks.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
Last Halloween I had to explain to everyone that I was not a ghost with a boner, but I was just a ghost and I happened to have a boner.
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Them: Who hurt you?
Me: *takes deep breath*
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
[meeting]
ME: ok bear with me folks *pulls out a live salmon and eats it*
BUSINESS BEARS: *look around at each other and nod approvingly* this guy’s good
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I like my coffee like I like my slaves.
Free, you racist.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.