I like to hide vegetables in my kids’ smoothies, and tiger tranquilizers in mine.
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Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
ouch
Kids: [inside playing on their phones]
Me: OMG it’s beautiful today, go outside.
[3 minutes later]
Kids: [outside playing on their phones]
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Out of the blue, HR forced us all to review our workplace sexual harassment training.
The office holiday party is next week.
Coincidence?
[Creation]
God: “Give them hair up their nose”
Angel: “Hair? But why?”
God: “To catch their snot”
Angel: “Snot?”
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
A girl on the bus just batted her eyes at me, but I ducked and they flew out the window.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?
Me: What a beautiful language…
Cool thing about LA is that I get to meet dogs who are more successful than me.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
Can you teach a self-cleaning oven to do the rest of the house?
this is stick
*dog wags tail*
this is branch. its made of sticks
*tail wags faster*
this is tree. it makes sticks
*dog helicopters into sky*
Girl you are his 9th twitter girlfriend in 2 years, he’s not your soulmate.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Visitor squirming: what am I sitting on?
Me: I forgot to get meat out to thaw for supper
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
My almost 2 y/o can now open our pantry door and that MF’er won’t stop bringing me cans of soup.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.