[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
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A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
“…tell me I can’t have a fish… I want a fish I’ll damn well have a fish… she’s not the boss of me… don’t know who that woman thinks she is…”
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🤣😂🤣
“Take me with you,” I whisper, palms pressed to the windowpane, watching the trash truck drive away.
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
meanwhile underwater, fish scientists continue to be baffled by rain. “it’s like the sky is pretending to be the ocean because birds are jealous of us,” said one bluefin tuna wearing a lab coat
will never understand why soccer players celebrate a goal by running around more. you did good! take a lil’ break
wife: ugh here comes brad from my work
me: which one is he again?
wife: the guy that says things and you can never tell if it’s a compliment or insult
brad: well well well someone smells like muffin mix
Remember that decades long January? We didn’t know how good we had it.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
we tend to look past the fact the happy birthday song was probably written by someone who forgot a gift & came up with that song on the spot
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
I once attended a wedding on short notice. My wife signed the card for us, and because they were my friends she accidentally addressed it to the bride and their cat, because I had talked about their cat more than my friend
*licks the powdered sugar off the donuts and puts them back*
Boss: I kinda like these new low-cal donuts. Real moist.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
Martin Shkreli can look forward to a 5,000% markup on cigarettes in his near future.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
If somebody my age is out past 11 PM they just got off the second shift at work.