when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
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If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
We need to invent a rectangular fruit now that the banana is no longer an accurate representation of the phone-shape. Lotta my bits don’t make sense anymore.
*cop throws the book at me*
*I throw it back at him*
Librarian: *grabs us by the ears and escorts us out*
if i ask for your hoodie it’s not because i like you, it’s for witchcraft.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
Establish dominance with your psychiatrist by taking notes on his note taking.
I can never understand why people act surprised when horrible things happen. Where have you been since birth?
You’re following someone who just picked up a candle and tried to drink it
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
My mom is going through home reorganizing and to avoid confrontational conflict, my dad is leavings notes voicing his opinion
Nice try Friday the 13th. But this is 2020.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Remember when the Backstreet Boys sang ‘Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely’ and then we all showed them for the rest of their lives?
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.