i just went through my sons belongings and i think he might be cheating at chess
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I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
[the instructor clearly frustrated with me on first day of veterinary school]
“It doesn’t matter if its a dog, it’s still called a cat scan”
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
I can handle crows feet, I can handle random gray hairs, but telling me I need bifocals in my glasses…that optometrist never knew what hit him.
Me. I hit him.
“Have you had a shower today?”
Yes, but thank you for clarification that it hasn’t made me look neat, fresh or washed
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
I saw an attractive woman spank her kid in McDonalds after he threw his fries on the ground, so I also threw mine on the ground.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
WIFE: The police are at the front door
ME: *hiding a bag of donuts* Do they look mad?
[Hospital]
New mom: [happy] She’s so beautiful. And she has your nose.
New dad: [suspicious] No, she doesn’t.
New mom: I was addressing the elephant in the room.
Elephant: [just walked in with flowers] shit….
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
Told my Mom I wanted to put googley eyes on random things in the grocery store and she told me to wear latex gloves so my fingerprints won’t end up at the scene of a crime so yes I am afraid of her.
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
A horse-drawn carriage sounds really romantic until you realize horses can’t even hold a pen and the carriage just looks like a scribble.
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
In 5th grade the boy I had a crush on called me on the phone and told me he loved me…then screamed April Foooools and hung up.
It took me 34 years but jokes on you, Chris. I don’t even like you that much anymore.
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
Me: I’m a little tea pot short and stout here is my handle here is my—
Wife: *jumping outta bed* it’s too weird