CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
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Wife *yelling from other room* you’re making bread? Why are you making bread?
Me: Everyone in lockdown is doing it
Duck *holding gun* good answer
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
Lifehack: dress your young children in the colors of the food you are serving them to avoid outfit changes.
Told my girlfriend I can’t get mad at her while she’s wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
A drum solo but on your face.
I only had one piece of pizza at dinner tonight. One huge round piece.
Oh my god, my jeans fit! All I have to do is not sit down, not walk, and not breathe. I totally got this.
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
If you could pick a super power what would it be? Mine would be eating a nutritious meal when I’m depressed
Long underwear is the fur that God forgot to give us.
Over the last few months I’ve collected enough wine corks to raise the Titanic
Me: there’s no “u” in team
Canadian: we’ll see about that bud
You can tell by a woman’s feet how she feels about you. If they are behind her ears, she likes you.
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
My husband just made me watch a documentary about pizza while I can’t get pizza delivered and this is why the divorce rate is going to be so high after this shit
Can’t wait until my wife hears that someone tried to throw a wood-mounted singing largemouth bass in the garbage because it ran out of batteries
I told my Mom that I was going to the Apple store and she said, “You sound like you’re 4 – it’s the grocery store”.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home
Me and my siblings:
One of the downfalls of sleeping with a fan and then the power going out is your kid asking what that weird noise is and it’s just you breathing normally.
I really don’t have much respect for those that take drugs and alcohol.
Like Customs, for example.