The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
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Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
Doctor: I’m afraid you’ve got chronic updog
Me, embarrassed that I don’t know what the word chronic means: ah well, you win some you lose some
Sure, there are plenty of fish in the sea, but they won’t have sex with you either.
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
[talking to family after emergency surgery]
Your positive energy saved my lifeSurgeon: *waves hand* umm hello
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
[first date]
HER: You smell so good. What are you wearing?
ME: *nodding and sniffing myself* Mashed potatoes with gravy.
My inflatable house got a puncture
last night.Now I’m living in a flat.
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
IRS: You claimed deductions for coffee and alcohol?
Me: They’re my dependencies.
IRS: It’s “dependents.”
Me: Oh, hahaha! Is prison hard?
Why don’t they just call what pallbearers do “The Deadlift”?
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
If the police don’t escort you out of Applebees then is it really a good date?
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
My kids sure do make a lot of plans for being people who don’t know how to drive themselves anywhere.
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.
I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.
Fellas, don’t feel like you can’t offer your wife cooking tips, even after she spends all day making a delicious home cooked meal. And it doesn’t hurt to throw in “That’s not how my mom used to do it”.
Always wrinkle-check your t-shirts
can’t stop thinking about the time my husband said my hair looked nice “like a waterfall in the front & a velociraptor in the back”
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.