I finally got 10 hours of sleep. I mean it took 4 days to get there, but still.
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My friend told his gf he’s giving up valentines day for lent… I know what’s coming so I told him that i’m giving up letting friends sleep on my couch
When my youngest was 3, he wrote “dad” on the coffee table in Sharpie.
When I asked him who did that, he glanced at me, studied the coffee table, looked me right in the eye and said, “It looks like dad did it.”
I continue to blame my ex-husband for this at least once a year.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Stop putting cauliflower where there once was something delicious.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
You gotta hand it to him. Otherwise, we can’t finish this relay race.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
If your girl takes care of animals at the zoo treat her right cause she’s a keeper.
For some reason, the Disney movie “101 Dalmatians” was much more popular than it’s sequel “Picking up Dog Shit for Eternity.”
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
I’m so sick of answering questions about the age difference between my kids, so I’ve started telling people the oldest one came with the house.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
I made smoochie face and noises at a deer yesterday and he ran.
That is why I don’t flirt
if we’re gonna be politically correct, the male counterpart to a mermaid is a merbutler
Just gonna drink light beers today because I don’t wanna get drunk but I do enjoy peeing 37 times.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
ME: Happy Valentine’s Day! Enjoy these chocolates.
HER: Ugh, these are all coconut. Did you get me anything else?
ME: *awkwardly hands her a bouquet of coconuts*
Remember that it’s “i before e” …
Except when feigning a heist on a
weird, feisty, beige foreign neighbor.
[First day waiting tables]
Customer: do you have wings?
Me: *flaps elbows* no, just regular arms
Me: You should really try this lip gloss
Her: this is super glue
Me: HEAR ME OUT
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
The bad news is I spent 10 minutes digging in my bag for a comb.
The good news is I found an earring, a penguin, and half a burrito.
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
‘I’ve never done this on a first date before’ I say as I start vacuuming his place