Before any important social event or engagement I like to lightly spritz myself with a bit of hollandaise
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I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
*wears camouflage to a family reunion*
I have an archaeology joke but nobody digs it.
He wanted to make sure😂
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
wife: Did you work late?
[flashback to me missing my exit because the car in front of me had Shrek on and I wanted to see the ending]
me:Yep
2020: The Year In Review
Everyone: No
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
growing up, my dad had a doctor friend who he would always call instead of taking us to the ER and then i became an adult and realized that the doctor friend was a dermatologist
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
GIRLFRIEND: *whispers in my ear* Hey you wanna try for a baby
ME: *playing the claw machine* I don’t think there are any in there, Denise.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
The children of the corn are probably the grandparents of the corn now. Like “no Billy Bob, only kill him a little, grandpa’s got enough for the blood sacrifice”
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
imagine being a young up-and-coming actor starring opposite a film legend. how do u keep a straight face while doing some weird lines? like you’re in a movie about england and u have to look meryl streep in the eye and say “bollocks, i’m more chuffed than a bloody crumpet innit”
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.