DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 馃槵
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My 6 year old says “Mom, I know” when I correct her and it makes me so excited for the teenage years.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
Me: Don’t you talk to me like you are paying me for what I do
Boss:
Boss: But I am paying you for what you do!
Me: What did I just say!!
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you鈥檝e been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it鈥檚 because I haven鈥檛 been listening
kids play hide and seek like
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”馃檲
In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.
King: Good Knight, how fared thy journey?
Knight: ‘Twas long and hard
King: ‘Tis what she proclaimed.
Both: *fist bump*-Medieval Brahs
If a gym has 75 treadmills, 1 is being used, what do you do?
You go home because it’s your favorite one being used
Math is easy
Was that meant to be a joke or did you just accidentally spill a bunch of words you were carrying around?
wow he looks just like him
Confession: Half the time I told my sister鈥檚 friends she wasn鈥檛 home it was so I didn鈥檛 have to take the phone to her.
Cashier: Will you be paying with credit card, Apple Pay, Google Pay, Tap To Pay, fruit, nuts, or the blood of a tiger?
Me: *hands cash*
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
Never trust a woman sucking a candycane into a sword.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.