Beware of the “party goblin”…
You Might Also Like
There are plenty of fish in the sea.
There are also sharks, giant isopods, oil spills, Flight 370, and Somali pirates.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
*fools rush in*
*they all slam into each other*
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Her: You don’t have to cook me dinner, we can just go out.
Me *tossing a jellyfish in the air like pizza dough* No it’s fine I don’t mind..
I wonder if anyone ever told Hitler “just be yourself”.
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: “Alexa, put on some jazz and pour me a drink.”
My daughter, Alexandra: “Stop calling me that! Crap like this is why I live with Dad!”
*shampoos & conditions hair
*rinses hair
*blowdries hair
*straightens hair
*spits toothpaste into hair
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
No, I am not okay. Facebook just showed me something I posted 10 years ago.
“Dumb as a bag of hammers” is kind of a stupid comparison because it’s actually quite a clever way to carry several hammers at once.
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
Weirdos gonna weird.
Why do I have so many fruit flies in my apartment? All the fruit I have is either gummy or schnapps.
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Accidentally used the dog’s shampoo today, and I’m feeling like such a good girl.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
Be the reason why your priest speaks in a dead language at your exorcism.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
Me: Excuse me, where’s the rowing boat equipment?
Employee: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
Me: …
Employee: …
Me: Or you’ll what?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
My kid is not a good sleeper so I’ll fight pretty much anyone about pretty much anything.
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
Maybe I just didn’t state this eloquently enough where’s my hammer?
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*