There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
When they talk about CIA on cooking shows
What they mean: Culinary Institute of America
What I hear: spy-chefs
Enters supermarket with a long list.
Exits with a six pack and rotisserie chicken.
Judging from my reflection in the mirror this morning, I too should not be fed after midnight.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
* Open bottle of wine*
*Takes a sip*
He loves me
*Takes another*
He loves me not…
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Friend: Pics or it didn’t happen
Picasso: Here
Friend: Ok, that doesn’t actually clear anything up
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
shit, they caught us—run!!!
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
Capricorn is just regular corn wearing cute little short pants.
I love to use my 6-foot wide umbrella at eye height on a crowded path.
~Psychopaths.
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
When someone really pisses you off and you know you can’t physically do anything.
Just look at them through a fork and pretend you put them in jail.
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.