I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
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Today I used bath oil for the first time. I am trying to get out of the bathtub for an hour now. Please send help.
Wife: Have you seen my razor?
Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
What would Jesus do? Today, take Mary out to Olive Garden.
Even when food is heaven on Earth
my husband adds hot sauce till it tastes like satan.
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
My rapper name is Chick P cause I mostly just hum about us.
just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I received a memo from the boss, once, that just read “template”. I spent hours developing one, when he pops in and asks if they showed up. 🤦🏻♂️
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
Me: Thanks so much for the edible arrangement
GF: I sent you a dozen roses
Me: oh
GF: There’s a lot of blood coming out of your mouth
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
[Interview]
Me: I really need the paycheck
Him: This is an unpaid internship.
Me: Do you provide snacks?
Him: Um, yes
Me: Keep going…
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
It’s 2021. Why is this still a thing.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
Being kidnapped is so much harder on the back after 40, let me tell you