I just found out my twin brother and I were switched at birth.
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On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
*a tear runs down my cheek*
someone ripped my self portrait
*a tear runs down my cheek*
John Lennon: imagine all the people
Me: ew
Yes, I absolutely want to hear about your cat’s medication.
“There, there,” I say, resting her head on my shoulder
Surgeon: Sir, we’re going to need that back if we want any hope for reattachment!
everyone: recovering from the holidays is rough, i could sure use a few more bucks
february: no
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
GOD: no work on the sabbath or I’ll kill you
ISRAEL [hasn’t had a day off in 400 years]: awesome!
GOD: what
ISRAEL: we mean…oh no so hard
hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
Daughter: Daddy, I want to reach out and touch a star
Me: Yeah, well, that would incinerate the both of us instantly so I don’t think so
For a quiet ride, buckle the empty seatbelt beside a child and tell them not to wake up the ghost.
Is it still an alien abduction if I packed a suitcase?
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
2019: no carbs
2020: eats a loaf of Wonder Bread out of the bag like it’s popcorn at the movies
If a lion ever bites off your arm, try to chew some of his hair off before you run away. He deserves to look stupid until it grows back.
me, as a child: I beat all my sisters at hide and seek today!
my dad: that’s good, but your brother Daniel is the reigning champ
me: who
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Interviewer: Where do you want to be in 5 years?
Me: Oh, it doesn’t matter. You will have fired me well before then.
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener