I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
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My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
Worried that one day pillows will take over and start making forts out of us.
Hey I worked for it too!
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
*ship enters earth atmosphere*
Alien 1: Finally a signal *turns radio on*
*Ed Sheeran ‘Shape Of You’ plays*
Alien 2: SO sick of this guy OMG
I hope we get the slow walking zombies because that’s definitely more the type of apocalypse I’ve been training for
I’m not sure if this snake is trying to ask me a question or if he’s just eaten a candy cane.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
My brother’s girlfriend is meeting my family rn & my dad just offered to introduce her to my nana’s ashes, this is the best night of my life
Her: Give me a chat up line?
Me: Uh ok, are you a zookeeper?
Her: *laughs* Because I’m so captivating?
Me: No, you smell like an animal.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
Somewhere in a parallel universe, I hope there’s a giant dog with a tiny woman in her purse.
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’ll take the seat next to the guy who swallowed the wifi.
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Dr: Have you been getting enough exercise?
Me: Does sex count as exercise?
Dr: Yes.
Me: No.
cornerman: get in there and hit him right between the eyes
boxer: but there’s SO many eyes
mr. potato head: *cracks knuckles*
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
You know whats scarier than a bee chasing you because i dont
[i drop my costco card in front of a hot girl] haha WOOPS! accident. yeah i have a costco membership. not really a big deal tbh