I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
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*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Velcrow
I’d hang this in my house.
I used to have to read my kids a bedtime story every single night until I started randomly killing off characters to amuse myself.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
Halloween is the best because it’s the one day my kids go around demanding snacks from everyone else.
My second account is trying to drive a wedge of suspicion between me and my Twitter crush.
I broke up with my boyfriend last night because his wife snores too loud.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
*arrives late to the Time Management Skills meeting*
I think my toddler said her first three word sentence today. I was so proud! I asked her if she wanted a hug and she said “no want it!”
They should put a statue of me next to the Statue of Liberty so immigrants know the American Dream is hit or miss.
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
Someone tweeted today that they were “29-ish” and I didn’t know you could “ish” 15 years.
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
Just for fun I’m putting these on windshields in parking lots all over the city on Valentines Day…
Scientists found there may not be as many benefits to flossing as we thought. Guess none of them have ever been to a party with spinach dip.
saving this screenshot for the next translation/ localisation debate, excellent work everyone
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes; now I have Heinzsight.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!