so deep in her Instagram story I accidentally liked an ad for a Toyota
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Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
The 16yo tells me he’s been revising all day. His browser history suggests he’s got his YouTube exam in the morning.
‘My neighbour just told me coyotes kept eating his outdoor cats, so I asked how many cats have you had and he said he just goes to the shelter afterwards to get a new cat. So I said it just sounds like you’re feeding shelter cats to coyotes. And then his daughter started crying’
Is fructose made with real fruct?
Any house is an Airbnb if you’re quiet enough
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
Remember kids, the Toys R Us bankruptcy and liquidation teaches us that poor spelling and grammar will always catch up with you eventually.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
My circle of trust is a meatball
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
My 6yo told me that I couldn’t go past him into the living room unless I told him the secret code which he said was a bathroom word. So I said “a bathroom word” and he didn’t let me in.
Putting “perfect for sharing” on bigger bags of crisps is all well and good, but maybe consider an accompanying range with “ideal for emptying into a nosebag and hoovering up into your big fat face” on it, cos I would buy the shit out of those.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
“You’re free now” I say to my stomach as I unbutton my pants.
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
Was feeling particularly adventorous today.so decided to jump off a moving train.now hav to buy my nephew a new train set
it’s fun to mess with teachers by training your kids to review books with terms like “sophomoric” and “pedestrian”
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.