[couples therapy]
HER: He’s always talking down to me
ME: *heavy sigh* It’s called being condescending but I doubt you knew that, Karen
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Fun Fact – The faster you walk around the office the more important you are
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
“This was the only way I could speak with you in private. That human woman? She’s trying to kill you.”
Boss: do you have Twitter?
Me: what’s twitter?
Boss: no seriously
Me: ……
Me: no hablo Inglés
the Mona Lisa looks like someone’s told a joke and she’s trying to be polite but doesn’t quite get it
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
I identify with this toooooo much. 😂😂😂😂😂
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol
Girl: do you have a condom?
Me: c’mon what’s the worst that could happen
*hears a knock on the door
4: daddy I think I started a fire
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Love when horror trailers are like “straight from your nightmares” when your nightmares are usually like a buffalo chasing you through a mall but it’s also your mom
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
If I wake up at 4:30, I’ll have 2 uninterrupted hours to exercise, clean and make a healthy breakfast.
*sets alarm for 6:30*
Of course I talk to myself. I’m a great listener.
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.
Pro tip : If you get a dog,
name him “Five Miles”Then you can brag that you
walk Five Miles every day.
what scared me at age 8:
-quicksand
-snakes
-boat scene from willy wonkawhat scares me now:
-dying alone
-boat scene from willy wonka
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
Friend: Bro, those were sick fireworks! Sorry about your eye, but I think the ER may be busy.
Me: No worries, my wife made reservations.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
*viking dad at a funeral*
I don’t know throw a burning stick at it or something we don’t waste arrows in this family what you think I’m made of arrows
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
7 years ago today I swallowed gum….. and now we wait