what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
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Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
After exercising and eating right all week on Saturday I’m like the Kool-Aid man running into Chipotle.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
People can be dangerous when they have too much power. Giving my 5yo a balloon sword is a perfect example of this.
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
My friends are arguing about heating leftover pizza or eating it cold, and I’m over here wondering why they have leftover pizza.
add excitement to your marriage by putting soap in one of the cast-iron pans
how to have good hair:
– have bad hair
– walk around like you have that hair on purpose
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
It is important not to say “be careful” to a toddler as they will interpret it as a challenge and things won’t end well
Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
*tries to throw a cotton ball really hard over and over again*
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
“Can I get a do-over?” – Me, playing golf, tennis (or pretty much any sport), taking a test, having sex, making a speech, living my life….
I wish I was █████████ enough to be redacted.
Many rastafarian babies are born out of dreadlock.
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
The cynicism of those who urge me not to do what I can to help the Nigerian royal family.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[after getting beat up]
Girlfriend: I thought you were a kickboxer
Me: that guy was not a box
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Apparently I have been on Twitter 13 years as of today and I really have to ask myself what the hell I am thinking
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no