Oh no 😂😂💔😭
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Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
Sorry, I didn’t mean to lol your poetry
[arriving in hell]
devil: all the pringles you can eat, but only with a knife and fork *evil laugh*
me: *starts eating*
devil: wait, how?
i wish more people knew the word for woman in scottish, alas.
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
4-year-old: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: You could get me a “world’s best dad” mug.
4: You told me not to lie.
The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.
In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale
“Bear with me for a minute.”
– Russian guy providing an airtight alibi for his criminal bear friend.
As you age, it’s ridiculous how fast bird-watching creeps up on you. You spend your whole life being 100% indifferent to birds, and then one day you’re like “damn is that a yellow-rumped warbler”
I know the weather is cooling down, but deodorant is a four seasons thing.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Just because you can yin a yang or quid a pro quo, that doesn’t mean you can zag a zig or tit a tat.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
“Enjoying your day off?” – what Jewish people say to each other on Christmas.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
*aggressively skips to my Lou*
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
EDWARD SCISSOR HANDS: I’m gonna kill you
EDWARD ROCK HANDS: not so fast
EDWARD PAPER HANDS: Looks like we’ve got a real Mexican stand-off
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Monday?
No. Next question.
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.