no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
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Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Imagine having a party on purpose.
I used to laugh at my neighbour for getting the gender of his dog wrong for years until my cat laid an egg and now I suspect it’s a penguin.
My daughter said she hates Jon Bon Jovi’s voice and now I’m wondering who switched my baby at the hospital
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
ME: Is it true, if you die in the Matrix, you die in real life?
USED CAR SALESMAN: Again, the Toyota Matrix is a very real car, and crashes can be fatal, yes
Friend: *crying* I’ve been to Hell and back.
Me: *hugging her* Did you bring me a souvenir?
Having a pet is basically just asking “how did you get so cute?” followed by “why are you wet?” 6 or 7 times a day.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
“Latte” is Latin for: You paid too much for that coffee.
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
me: [climbing a tree]
bonsai artist: please stop
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
Modded the new Gran Turismo
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
“This is mine”, he growled passionately into her ear. “Are we clear?”
Breathlessly, she agreed. She wouldn’t try to eat his nachos again.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
WIFE: Do we have any orange juice?
ME: I don’t think so
WIFE: Well do we have any orange juice concentrate?
ME: I AM CONCENTRATING!