In hindsight, when I caught up with my old friends and told them their kids were shooting up, I should have clarified I was talking about their height.
You Might Also Like
Wanna know what’s cold? An airplane toilet seat at 30,000 feet.
Wanna know what’s colder? The stare of the person exiting the restroom after you.
Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Me: But, like, if you could make it look like an accident…
Mall Santa: Uhhh, that’s not how this works. Now please get off my lap ma’am.
*security drags me away*
Me: *yells* Don’t forget to take a picture!
Me: was your son fed?
Wife: yes.
Me: bathed?
Wife: yes.
Me: in bed on time?
Wife: yes.
Me: so I’m a “bad dad” why?
Wife: his pajamas.
Me: what about them?
Wife: THEY. DON’T. MATCH.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
I forgot to wear my glasses when I drove today. I didn’t even notice I wasn’t wearing them until the kid on my windshield said something
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
I was thinking about blocking the Suez canal but that ship has sailed
Desperation
-Fragrance by Social Media
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
japanese corn
9: I don’t get why that words with friends game mom plays is fun
13: it’s only fun because she’s old
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
Whoa. I guess one dude quit: